Exacting Revenge for Two Centuries of Colonization

The British ruled India for over two centuries during which time their Clives, Cannings & Curzons did plenty of strutting around. Ever since they went out in the late 1940s, it's been payback time and one of their key 'assets' that Indians have worked over vigorously, ever since, has been their language. It has been an evolutionary process but now, after six decades, a large section of Indians have more or less perfected the systematic mangling an destruction and gotten to the point where they can leave most native English speakers utterly flabbergasted & on the verge of 'passing out' after listening to or reading their very own, highly evolved, version.

Just so that diplomatic relations don't quite break down over this rather sensitive issue, Indians strategically have their very own P. Chidambarams, speaking in an affected Anglophone accent which is guaranteed to cause further confusion & bewilderment all around because it can't quite be traced back to any particular N. American region or to anywhere in the U.K. also for that matter. Someone had once opined that this was a mid-Atlantic accent but then that story died its natural death when it was established that no one had ever heard of any such accent in the first place. Enquiries with BBC veterans didn't help much either because they were equally puzzled and opined that it didn't fit, in any manner, their received pronunciation (RP) standards either.


There are several other ways in which Indians have been paying back the British. For example, very soon we will let loose our squabbling Bhupathis, Mirzas & Bopannas, chaperoned by their Mummies & Daddies, on the London Olympics glitterati. While this Indian tennis contingent is not quite expected to win medals, it is anticipated that they will kick up enough dust right into the eyes of the said glitterati which would be sweet revenge indeed for all the times that they looked down their long pink noses at the Indians generally. However more of that later......

Here is a sample of the evolved Indian English as she is spoken and written in much of the subcontinent. As MMS may have remarked during the rare occasions that he speaks: "Please do enjaay"!



"Let me revert back to you on the same after I have done the needful. I will be out of station this weekend as my niece is passing out from college. All her mugging and all the coaching classes paid off for her I guess. The ceremony is at a hill station. It will be good time pass. It is also my native place so all our near and dears will be there. Definitely worth using up all my casual leaves.
Soon, her mother will be looking for a suitable boy as she is of marriageable age. Unfortunately, her father expired recently. Her mother wants a foreign-returned or NRI bridegroom. Someone convent-educated from a status-family. Wheatish complexion highly desirable. Caste no bar. But, my niece says she will be going for a love marriage only. I think she likes her lecturer. Issueless, innocent divorcee. Sorry case. Long story. Her mother says that will be a big nose-cut for the family. She wants an arranged marriage. She refuses to discuss about it. She has already put in a matrimonial in the leading dailies.

But I am suggesting my niece to seriously give the GMAT and CAT papers instead. Because, see, there I am having no pull and we can not afford the capitation fees for the private colleges. And nil chance of paper leaking and the invigilators are very strict. But she says her chance of getting in is too less. But I say, always some chance is there, no?

My niece is having PG-accommodation only so I will be putting up at the Taj hotel. Although, the staff there acts very pricey. But more better to avoid dicey food and the loose motions, and the gentry there is good only. Their mutton curry is majorly tender. Fresh baby goats. Order with curd. Portion size is too huge so we always order one into two. Plus, never any load-shedding. Cent percent full value. Why take tension? It is bang opposite to the airport. One just has to cross the flyover. Ask anyone for directions if you are having your own conveyance, but the auto-wallahs and taxi-wallahs are knowing it very well. All the Page 3 type people go there. Last time I was staying there, I met a Bollywood starlet. Very tip-top. Her item numbers are heavenly. I had a good mind to.. ok,ok, no non-veg jokes.

As it turns out, the manager there is also my college batchmate. You can use my connection there. Just give your good name. We were both backbenchers but he was actually rusticated for ragging and bunking. The final straw was when he was caught eve-teasing the dean's daughter. But, he did some jugaad and palm greasing, and got himself a license to manufacture Indian-made foreign liquor. Rags to riches story. Now he is a mover and shaker. For a while he was under the scanner of the IT authorities and they chargesheeted a disproportionate-asset case against him. I think he may have been doing some hawala transactions. The whole official machinery was after him. He tried to file a grievance but there was no redressal mechanism for such cases. Ultimately, he went on an indefinite fast. Some local politicians and godmen came to his rescue as he is also from the same minority community. Vote bank politics. Soon the whole city was in a bandh. Hartaals every day. Even on gazetted holidays. Miscreants took advantage of the situation and it spiraled out of control. The police ordered a lathi charge. Then there was air firing. Many MLAs defected. The assembly was adjourned every session. President's rule was imposed in the state after many ultimatums by the high command. Finally there was some seat-sharing agreement and the impasse was resolved. After that he was given a clean chit. The CM even held a felicitation function for him. Many many VVIPs. Of course, at the very same Taj. Later that CM was caught up in the 2G telco scam. Too good, yes?

That reminds me, I should get my pre-paid converted to post-paid to make sure there is no hassle with roaming. The operator tells me that under the current scheme roaming is free but always the possibility for screwup is there. But the paperwork for updation is too great. Every time wanting same to same KYC. Limited timings, phones always engaged, very much difficult. They trouble you like anything. Tell me, what is one to do yaar? They are like that only.

I need to prepone some meetings to arrange for the trip so I need to rush due to the same, but not to worry, I will keep you initimated of my progress. Will give you a missed call when I deplane upon returning back.

p.s.

Hope your head is not paining, I didn't mean to eat your brains. I will offer a translation in a few days. Now it's time to slow the volume, increase the AC, and off the light because sleep is coming. Kindly to stay in tune."

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