In keeping with the posturings of that father of all pretenders, S.L. Bhansali, whose latest offering Saawariya is slated to bomb at the box-office & possibly qualify for one of the worst Hindi movies of all time, here are some tongue-in-cheek questions & answers about the thespian wannabe.
Questions & Answers about Saa-Bore-iya's maker
Q.Why is the movie blue-tinged throughout?
A. Because that's the only way known to Bhansali about how to get a blue movie past the censors.
Q. Why is the movie totally shot on sets?
A. Because Bhansali, in his quest to be different, decided to make everything unreal, since there's too much of reality TV these days.
Q.Why do overseas audiences, particularly Americans, get to see Ranbir Kapoor's naked butt?
A. Because Bhansali's advisors told him that the Americans indulge in too many ifs & butts.
Q. Why does the movie have seven songs?
A. Bhansali, being an extremely canny filmmaker, knows that these days audiences tire of films with a dozen songs. Seven is anyway a lot less than twelve.
Q. Why do one of the ersatz buildings shown in the movie carry the neon sign RK?
A. Because Bhansali is running out of financiers quicker than the time it takes you to articulate Saawariya & is hoping that RK films will agree to finance his next over-the-top caper.
Q. Why did he choose Ranbir Kapoor for the male lead role?
A. You guessed it right. Years back Bhansali had applied for the job of 'tea-boy' at RK studios. His application was turned down unceremoniously. This is his ultimate 'act of revenge' against the Kapoor clan.
Q. What is Bhansali's understanding of the term 'thespian'?
A. That it mirrors closely that other profound word, 'charlatan'.
Q. What is Bhansali's next magnum opus?
A. A Day At The Zoo. Ever since the porcupine passed away Bhansali has been eyeing its cage and will enter it as part of his new foray into reality films. A snap opinion poll has confirmed that with his stubble & rather porcine looks Bhansali can pass off for a porcupine behind bars. This gives him the added advantage of being able to look out on his audience & critics too.
Q. Where would Bhansali be in a decade's time?
A. Very difficult to predict. He could revert back to being the tea-boy he aspired to be once or enter politics where he can make fools of miilions of his countrymen.
Q. What are the chances of Bhansali ever winning the Oscar for best direction?
A. What are the chances of Mars becoming an overpopulated human colony in the near future?
Q. What are Bhansali's antecedents?
A. You frankly wouldn't want to know.
Q. Where did Bhansali learn film-making?
A. Nowhere. He is a 'natural'.
Q. How did Sony agree to finance his venture?
A. Because he is the only Bollywood director who kept following them everywhere & saying 'arigato' to a delegation from Sony Pictures, Japan, which came to Mumbai sometime back to assess first-hand the Indian film industry.
Q. Why did he cast two newcomers?
A. Because the more established stars refused to act in his movie (Rani & Salman excepted).
Q. Why did he particularly cast Ranbir & Sonam Kapoor?
A. Because their dads financed part of the film. This is the only way he could pay them back. Oh, by the way the kids also opted to work for free, so thrilled were they.
Q. Why is his middle name Leela?
A. Why not? Incidentally after Saawariya, which has a blue tint right throughout, he is considering changing it to 'Neela' (blue). Since the movie has bombed very badly at the box-office, he is also considering the alternate ' Peela' (yellow).
PRAYER FOR THE DAY : LORD, MAY HIS TRIBE DECREASE & SOON!